Extended United States

A map of the Extended United States.
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United Stateses

The Extended United States was founded in 1988 at the end of the Two-Minute and Forty-Nine Second Civil War, in which the acting President of the Really Outrageously Tall United States, previously the United States But All The Lakes Are States And All The States Are Lakes, toppled the Greater Kentucky axis mundi to the ground. As the axis mundi was still active during its toppling, the vertical stretching it imposed on the Really Outrageously Tall United States was converted into horizontal stretching.

The Extended United States is the latest of many varying distorted nightmare forms the United States has experienced over the last 7,000 years. US citizens have mostly agreed that despite minor flaws the Extended United States is the most manageable nightmare by far, and have elected to "touch absolutely nothing in case it triggers another shift. In fact, stay at home. And stop breathing if you can." The ancient corpse of a friendly-looking white Republican man currently in charge of the US government has not commented on the matter because he is dead.

Foreign affairs

The Extended United States is unique among its predecessors in that its distortions have extended past US borders—the east-west stretching has affected both Extended Canada and Extended Mexico before fizzling out near the Extended Mexico-New Poland border. US island territories have been largely unaffected with the exception of the brief time many inexplicably found themselves in outer space under the United States But All The Lakes Are States And All The States Are Lakes, presumably because they were neither "states" nor "lakes".

These geographical distortions have considerably strained the Extended United States' relationship with both Extended Canada and Extended Mexico, who complain that it is apparently impossible for the United States to remain happy while others are not suffering for them. During a meeting with the affected countries' leaders, the ancient corpse of a friendly-looking white Republican man currently in charge of the US government would have likely retorted "nuh uh" but did not in fact say anything because he is dead.

Citizenship policy

Every US border is constantly patrolled by specialized teams of Citizenship Approvers, walking just inside the borders, that thrust official Citizenship documents upon unwitting passersby. This policy has been condemned exactly once by the Triple Prime Minister of Kyrzgystan, and no one can quite remember their face anymore so it's best we leave it at that. Joe Byron, unqualified US citizen, explained that "[...] no one can be born anymore! Can you fucking imagine that! No babies! Meanwhile we're fucking [...] need new blood to sustain the Eternal Machine [...] new album was great, yeah!". The Supreme Bachelor of Northwestern Czechoaustralia timidly requested that its citizens "please take care near the shared border with the US, as no one can exit the United Stateses once they have become its citizen and we keep losing our citizens to the great unending leech? Th-thanks... Ha..."

The Great North-South Highway crosses US territory for a distance that fluctuates between two hundred and six billion miles. Citizenship Approvers, although technically restricted from patrolling the highway, still claw their way onto the highway in hopes of catching enough victims to satisfy their quota. The Road Boys advised highway travelers to "keep driving really fast and don't stop. Those buggers can move up to 53 miles an hour, y'know."


The Extended United States is made up of 132 states, listed below:

Green Achres

Located in the Midmideastwest and 70,770 square miles in size (about 1 million cows), Green Achres is one of the oldest States in the EUSA. The state consists almost entirely of wheat and tomato fields, originally planted circa 1834 and then forgotten about. It has about 2 inhabitants (according to the 2018 census) and is crossed by a small section of Route 66+. The name stems from a misspelling of "Green Acres" from a document by George Washington, who was a chronic misspeller.

A view of Green Achres